An Honest Letter To Whom It May Concern

Dear Political Campaign Marketing Strategists:


I know this may be hard to believe, but the recorded phone calls from your party's governors, comptrollers, state representatives, and even your own presidential candidates are not working. These calls are not working because they are annoying the crud out of me. I've received at least ten phone calls a day from various political know-it-alls, and the robotic-monotone-messages left by Obama, Gov. Perry, McCain, Clinton, and my neighbor who lives on Pine Street, really does not influence my voting decision. Really. When my husband's pager went off at 2:30 in the morning last week, we were not thrilled that it was, no, not the hospital calling for his assistance but rather Hillary Clinton asking for his support. This is not good for you, your cause, or our sleep patterns.


I know somewhere in a fancy shmancy meeting room in Political Town, USA, your marketing team sat together and generated this brilliant idea of flooding America with phone calls from various people. In your fancy shmancy meeting room, this probably was a good idea. But me no likey your idea. Here in the real world, people have more important things to do than answer phone call after phone call after phone call. We have things to do like: fill juice cups, wipe hineys, hold down jobs, read food labels, and do our part to stop global warming. So, like, don't bother me with recorded political messages. (Although I have enjoyed looking at the fantastic phone numbers that you have somehow managed to obtain. 1-234-567-8910 was my favorite by far.)
Now I don't want to sound like a political grump, so I've decided to offer you some sure-fire ways to get voters to the polls. This, after all, should be your biggest issue where I'm concerned since I've only voted once in my entire voter-eligible life. My husband will tell me who to vote for, so all of your issues, debates, phone messages, interviews, SNL appearances, etc. really don't matter to me. Your cause really should be to get me TO the polls. Stop focusing on who I'll vote for once I'm there. I've already told you, my husband decides who I vote for. And, yes, I AM that kind of woman. (So there, Hillary!)


But I digress....back to the sure-fire ways to get voters to the polls:

1. Free babysitting. Offer it, and you'll have mothers standing in line waiting to drop their kids off. This is absolutely your ace in the hole. I know this for a fact because I will attend pretty much any meeting or conference in town as long as I see the words, "childcare provided" in the bulletin. (And while the "Single Again" conference wasn't really my cup of tea.....my kids had greaaaat fun!)

2. Food. I remember when I used to work in the pharmaceutical (catering) business, we would provide lunch or dinner for the entire doctor's office. This got me thinking...instead of calling me during dinner, causing me to leave my baby unattended with a fork and a large piece of pork chop, why don't you show up at my house with a warm meal? Really. It would go over so much better, and face-to-face contact is always better than phone calls. (Didn't you learn that in the first chapter of Marketing for Dummies?) I might even invite you in to sup with us. Then you can stay to help me wipe messy faces, hands and hineys. The media would like that so much better than simply kissing babies on the head.

3. Money. Your party seems to have lots of it, and we the people of the United States would like to have more of it. Share your wealth. Bribe us. It's the least you can do.

4. Limo rides. Pick me up in a limo and whisk me away to the polls! This serves two purposes: 1) you ensure that I actually get to the polls and 2) you make me really feel like my vote counts. Nothing says "you matter" like a limo ride.

5. On-site massages. Voting can really be quite stressful, and so I thought that having certified massage therapists on hand would decrease the number of potential gunmen who might "go postal" during this time. It would also diffuse any situation involving the phrase "she cut in front of me" which, if you've ever been in elementary school or had a child of that age, you know is the precursor to some sort of school violence.


So there you have it, Political Campaign Marketing Strategists. You can thank me later. Really. I know I have served my country well by bringing to light these new marketing strategies. Your needs are simple: you need Americans to vote. Our needs are simple: treat us like the diva that lives inside us all. That's your Marketing Plan Of Action in a nutshell.


Waiting for my limo,
Angela